Three Subtle Ways to Avoid Leading a Life of Quiet Desperation
The PATH | Fear, Guilt, and Shame
Welcome to The PATH (Monday Meditation) — A weekly reflection with three timeless insights for daily life. This week’s reflection searches for ancient lessons on the obstacles to leading a life (Fear, Guilt, and Shame).
1. Fear
As discussed in The Courage to Lead a Life, the American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson believed that courage is required for whatever we do. Therefore, one must recognize that fear and anxiety are part of leading a life.
The existential philosopher Søren Kierkegaard (1813–1855) said that there is nothing with which we are so afraid as getting to know how enormously much we are capable of doing and becoming. “To venture causes anxiety,” observed Kierkegaard, “but not to venture is to lose one's self...”
Leading a life requires us to navigate through the obstacles of fear, guilt, and shame. By doing so, we are able to see through these illusions. Venturing despite the fear and anxiety enables us to see there was nothing to be fearful of. As Amelia Earhart pointed out when she said,
“The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life and the procedure.”
Although, in general, life is not devoid of fear and anxiety. The theologian Thomas Merton aptly wrote, “A life that is without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair.”
2. Guilt
In a conversation with Dr. Brian Russell (the author of Centering Prayer), he called fear, guilt, and shame the unholy trinity. Russell suggested, “Shame, guilt, and anxiety can easily manifest in thoughts such as I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, or I don’t have enough. Although these feelings find their roots in our past experiences, the present or recent past can trigger them.”
Similarly, the theologian and psychologist Henri Nouwen explained,
Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power but self-rejection. … When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. … Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." […]
Before we can commit to leading a life, we must loosen our grip on past mistakes (and eventually let them go).
Leading a life requires us to live in the present moment and practice the self-compassion needed to continually create our lives. As the Buddha wisely said, “If your compassion does not include yourself — it is incomplete.”
3. Shame
Leading a life requires us to realize we are worthy. The American philosopher and poet Henry David Thoreau famously said, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation… But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.” Wisdom helps us to see through the illusion of unworthiness.
In his book Loveable, Dr. Kelly Flanagan (a previous podcast guest) writes:
Today we tend to think of shame as a rare, complicated, and disgraceful emotion. But shame is not rare; it is actually quite common, even universal. And shame is not terribly complicated, either. Shame is simply the belief we are not enough.
Life has a way of diminishing what we believe to be possible. Merton once called the biggest human temptation to settle for too little. Kids, on the other hand, often believe it to be within their grasp to be professional athletes, astronauts, etc.
Although the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius advised that one must maintain belief in themselves and what’s possible. In Meditations, Marcus wrote,
“If you find something very difficult to achieve yourself, don’t imagine it impossible — for anything possible and proper for another person can be achieved as easily by you.”
Fear, guilt, and shame are illusions that can keep us from living the type of life we are all worthy of living. And we don’t necessarily need a purpose to do so. The sixteenth-century philosopher Michel de Montaigne stressed,
“Life should be an aim unto itself, a purpose unto itself.”
Leading a life is the meaning of life. As Nouwen suggested, “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” The same is true for leading a life — we must continually choose to walk the path.
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Thank you for reading; I hope you found something useful.
Until next time, be wise and be well,