Perennial Wisdom
Perennial Wisdom is a podcast for seekers and curious minds. Each episode explores philosophical and spiritual traditions for universal truths and enduring ideas to help you (and me) never stop learning how to live.
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Stop Fixing Yourself. Try This Instead.
Happy New Year! I hope this finds you well. Today, we’re talking about the idea of self-improvement.
Many of us treat our inner life like a home renovation project.
If I could just fix my overthinking, my consistency issues, my need for approval, and my procrastination, I could finally become “the person I’m supposed to be.” Yet often, the more we try to fix ourselves, the more tense and self-doubting we become—it’s like we are managing a difficult employee in our heads.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: much of self-improvement is just self-rejection in nicer clothes. Stay with me…
Carl Rogers—one of the most respected psychologists of the 20th century—offers a different perspective: real change doesn’t come from forcing yourself into a new personality. It comes from accepting what’s true, without flinching.
This is not a call for complacency.
It’s a call for a more realistic kind of transformation—one based on honesty rather than self-conflict.
1. “Fixing yourself” often means you’re relating to yourself like a problem.
There’s a particular tone we adopt when we’re in fix-it mode. It’s subtle, but you can hear it:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I get it together?”
“Normal people don’t struggle like this.”
This tone is not neutral; it’s adversarial. It creates an internal split: part of you becomes the critic, while another part becomes the defective product.
Rogers noticed something many of us learn the hard way: when you treat yourself with contempt, you don’t get better—you become defensive. You hide, perform, pretend, or alternate between harsh discipline and burnout.
His most famous line is well-known for a reason:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.”
That’s not a motivational poster.
It’s a diagnosis of how change actually works.
Because “accept” doesn’t mean “approve of everything,” it means: stop denying what’s here. If you’re anxious, admit you’re anxious. If you’re lonely, admit you’re lonely. If you’re resentful, admit you’re resentful.
Fixing skips that step. Fixing tries to leap over reality into an improved version of reality. And the leap is usually powered by shame.
Rogers advocates a gentler yet more demanding approach: be honest about yourself and stay with that honesty long enough to understand it.
That’s the beginning of change.
2. Trade self-correction for self-contact.
If “fixing yourself” is a stance of conflict, what’s the alternative?
Rogers would call it congruence—a fancy term for a genuine alignment between your inner experience and your outward life. Not perfect alignment. Not constant peace. Just the basic integrity of not living at odds with your own reality.
Much suffering comes from the gap between: what you truly feel, what you think you’re allowed to feel, and what you pretend to feel.
When that gap widens, you become divided. You start focusing on appearances instead of living from authenticity. And you can’t simply “fix” your way out of division. You can only return to what is actually happening inside you.
Here’s a simple way to do it that doesn’t require a new identity or a perfect morning routine:
The Three-Sentence Check-In:
Right now I’m noticing… (a feeling, a bodily sensation, a thought-loop)
If I’m honest, what I really want is… (rest, clarity, reassurance, courage, space)
One small kind step I can take is… (text a friend, walk, drink water, write one paragraph, make the appointment…)
That’s it.
This is what “try this instead” looks like: contact, not correction.
Rogers’ entire approach assumes something hopeful: underneath our defenses, people generally lean toward growth when the environment is safe enough for honesty. That includes the environment you foster inside your own mind.
So instead of asking, “How do I fix myself?” try:
“What am I actually experiencing?”
“What am I avoiding admitting?”
“What do I need that I’m currently trying to obtain through pressure or performance?”
This isn’t indulgence. It’s precision. It’s how you stop swinging at shadows.
Still, many of us have a reasonable fear: if I stop “fixing,” won’t I become passive?
Won’t I just stagnate?
This is where a supportive voice helps. And it comes from a very different tradition.
3. Stop trying to fix what isn’t yours to control.
Epictetus—once enslaved, later a teacher of philosophy—had little patience for inner drama that pretends to be “self-work” while actually being a covert attempt to control the world.
He begins The Enchiridion with a bracing distinction:
“Some things are up to us and some things are not up to us.”
In other words, much of our suffering comes from focusing energy on the wrong things. We try to control how others feel about us, whether the past “should have” happened, if we can influence the future, and whether uncertainty will ever turn into certainty. Because we can’t control these factors, we turn inward and conclude that the problem must be us.
So we try harder to “fix” ourselves. We tighten our grip. We overthink things. We attempt to perfect ourselves. We rehearse endless scenarios. We chase the illusion of a version of ourselves that would finally be safe from life’s challenges.
Epictetus suggests a more compassionate kind of effort: focus on what truly belongs to you—your judgments, your choices, and your responses.
He makes the point sharply in another famous line:
“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things.”
This is where “fixing yourself” becomes wiser and simpler.
Not: “How do I become flawless?”
But: “What story am I telling about this moment—and is it true?” “Is it helpful?” “Is it mine?”
Rogers helps you stop attacking yourself in the name of growth. Epictetus helps you stop attacking yourself in the name of control.
Put them together, and you get a powerful formula for modern seekers:
Accept what is true inside you (Rogers).
Act where you actually have agency (Epictetus).
That’s real change: compassion plus responsibility.
Perennial Questions
Where am I “fixing myself” as a way to avoid accepting something true about my life right now?
What am I trying to control that isn’t actually up to me—and what is up to me in this situation?
If I treated myself with honest acceptance today, what is one small, concrete action I would take next?
Final Thoughts
The goal isn’t to stop growing. It’s to stop growing through self-rejection.
Rogers reminds us that change begins when we stop fighting reality and start speaking the truth with kindness. Epictetus reminds us that peace comes from focusing our effort on what truly matters—our choices, our judgments, our next step.
So, yes, improve your life. But do it without contempt. Do it without inner conflict. Do it by reconnecting with reality—then moving forward from that point.
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Thank you for reading/listening; I hope you found something useful.
Until next time, be wise and be well.
J.W.
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